Being an idiot, I purchased a small hatchback (brand new, full price. obvi) a few years ago thinking that tiny cars were the future and that it wouldn’t’ really be that inconvenience since everyone was going to be driving them soon. I was wrong.
I bought her fresh off of a divorce, so why I didn’t purchase something with a little more cojones is a whole other mystery. Nothing says “My heart is pudding and I hate myself” quite like a two door lawnmower. Again, living in a large city, it seemed fairly convenient to have a whip that I could literally park anywhere. Small parallel parking space, front lawn, cart return at target. Anywhere.
Then I moved to Montana. The land where kamikaze elk rule the road, and you are flooring it daily to not be crushed by the logging trucks that rule the highway. I didn’t even know my car could go 65 mph before I moved here… Anyway, my friend Erin, posted something on Facebook about a smart car cutting her off, and I truly can’t even grasp that (My car is literally smaller than a pony, and I wouldn’t dare tango with a Camry). I really should install a GoPro in the nugget because I fear my conversations (with myself) would go something like this:
“That really big deer is lingering around my car again… Maybe if I give him five more minutes he will run away.”
“Well, shit. Big deer is still there. Hmm… Maybe if I flash my porch lights it’ll scare him. Nope. Nopenopenope it just got his attention. Deer can’t open doors can they?”
“Ok, big deer is gone! (Or hiding so he can hoof me to death) Better make a run for it.”
“Ok, ready to rock!”
“Is my car even on? It’s not making any noise…”
“I wonder if I stomped really hard on the floor boards, I could Flintstone my ass to work. Take that environmental hippies!”
“Do I need gas? No, I bought it two months ago, we are good.”
“Faaack, there’s a SUV behind me… Yup, get right on my ass, because that will make me go faster. I clearly control the speed limit, sir.”
“Ooops. I think big SUV can tell I am angry. Don’t only drug dealers drive Escalades?! OMGOMGOMG I am going to be on the news… Be cool. Be. COOL.”
“Technically this flower garden isn’t a parking spot, but who will know, right? I’m just running inside to grab a quick coffee. In and out. Real quick, like a bunny.”
“If I could just back up out of this spot and see the cars on the road before they are firmly planted into my trunk, that’d be super.”
“Yup, I’ll just sit here as you angrily flip me off, Mr. Bike Peddling Bastard. Truly cannot see you when you weave between the vehicles since I am only four feet off the ground. My bad.”
“They see me rooLLLIN’.. They haaaatinnNNnn'”
“Hello, Mr. Semi-truck man, perhaps you could juuuuuust use your blinker and merge without smashing into me like I‘m not here? Nope? Nope. Sorry for asking. SO sorry. Sorry I didn’t realize you can’t see me down here. SORRY!!” I’m awkward… Sorry.” Take the lane. Take all the lanes.”
“I am actually passing another car?! This never happens! I am invincible!!!! Wheeee!!”
I am duct taping my phone onto my dashboard to actually record my private car conversations. I bet I’m not too far off.