Like french kissing a unicorn

Summer Reading List

Posted on June 14, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Stephanie,

IDK if you read, but do you have any suggestions for a summer reading list?

XOX, Kellie

_____________________________________________

Dear Kellie,

No, I cannot read. I am randomly hitting buttons on this keyboard and praying for the best! I don’t currently have a reading list for myself, and I’m not as avid of a reader as I would like to be, but here are my suggestions for your summer while you’re lying on a beach chair, nearing margarita blackout mode.

The Hunger Games & Catching Fire. (Mockingjay can go fuck itself.)
Written by Suzanne Collins- 2008

I’m a little late to the party, but this trilogy is incredible! I lost my bottle of Prozac while reading Mockingjay and, coincidentally, my will to live.

Eat Pray Love
Written by Elizabeth Gilbert- 2006

This book was my crutch when I decided to leave my marriage, and did so without any support whatsoever.

If You Give a Moose a Muffin.
Written by Laura Numeroff- 1991

For me, this second installment really met all of my expectations. It held my attention right from the first request to the very last muffin. Not to give away too much of the plot, but it really is gripping.

Moby Dick
Written by Herman Melville- 1850

Ringing in at a whopping 1,946 pages, this book is longer than the bible. I’ve read both and I must say, even without the zombie Jesus, this book is captivating.

Betty Crocker’s Cookbook
Golden Publishing- 1978
I received this vintage classic as a gift years and years ago. I really enjoy thumbing through old cookbooks, so I’m hoping there is someone else out here who does. Also, jello molds for dayyyssss.

Happy reading!
Steph

Ask Stephanie: Pet Peeves

Posted on June 13, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Steph:
What are your top five pet peeves?

XO, Bunk

Hello boyfriend-lovey-dovey-kissy-bunny-bear-loverpants:

Can I first say that I absolutely love that you are the one asking me this? When does a lady get a chance to tell her boyfriend all the things that annoy her? I guess the real answer is every waking minute of every day… regardless, here are the top five things that make me want to punch a baby:

1. Facebook.
I don’t have one, and I will never will again. First off, I don’t want to see 37gabillion pictures of your fugly ass baby who looks like it fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Secondly, if I’m not in the pictures, I don’t care. Third, I can’t handle the duck puck bathroom pics. It’s obnoxious. Stop it.

2. Wh3n PEoPl3 TaLk LiKe diZ ;D :p lULz!
I didn’t major in ebonics, so clearly I have no fucking clue what you’re saying, nor do I give a tiny rats ass.

3. Lul Cats
You would think this would be right up my alley, but I don’t get why it’s funny. Also, “can has cheezburger” falls right into #2.

4. Pen clickers
There is a special hell for all those who need to clickity-click during a board meeting.

5. People who are rude to those who work in the service industry.
I’m not entirely sure when people felt that manners were no longer applicable, but this annoys the shit out of me. Be friendly to those who are serving you,. Say please and thank you, smile and for the love of god, BE A GOOD TIPPER!

Manners or no sex,
Steph

Submit your Ask Stephanie questions! There’s even a little tabby on the menu of my homepage.

Ask Stephanie- Kids?

Posted on May 31, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Stephanie,

Do you have any kids?

Love,
Katelyn

Dear Katie,

Pregnant is the new black so obviously I’m trying to get impregnated ASAP, but apparently it’s something you can’t finger blast your way to…

I hopefully will squeeze out some spawn soon, but I am reaching the ripe ol’ age of thirty, so who knows how long my uterus will hold out. It really needs to happen sooner or later because all of my unisex baby names are ever dwindling since these twenty-something Hollywood types keep jacking them.

Don’t steal these names, k? Head lamp, Frankenstein, swizzle, flannel, lemoncello, hangry, suitcase and pocket.

All signs point to orgy!
Steph

Whatsup, dickmouth?

Posted on May 27, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

I received my first piece of “hate mail” that I’ve actually been truly upset about this morning via kik messanger. As much as I hate glorifying this fucktard with a response, I hope it sets the tone for how all disrespect will be handled from here on out.

His Ask Stephanie question: “yo gurl. Y U never post no fully body pix? Wat u like a 300 pound whale or sometin? Hit me up yo.”

First of all, you are an indictment to the American education system. It took me a solid 10 minutes to figure out that you wanted to “get wit dis”, but luckily you sent me a dick pic, so the really clarified things.

Second of all, I am mentally punching you in the scrote right now. PS, if you’re going to send a woman a picture of your junk (trust me, it’s not that great) consider manscaping… Or maybe chose an angle that doesn’t highlight your genital warts? Just a thought.

Third, I do post full body pictures. You won’t be able to see them because my girlfriends and I have all blocked you on all social media sites. Suck my 140 pound dick, mouth breather.

Oh, upon further stalking you, I’ve discovered that you’re engaged! I’m sure your cubic zirconia wearing “boo” is going to be super thrilled about the screen caps I took and just sent to her via FB messenger. Don’t you just love how everybody posts their personal information everywhere? Makes its super easy to find them.

And lastly, wether I’m 100 or 600 pounds, that doesn’t give you, or anybody, the right to make snide remarks about my body. Learn some fucking manners, dick mouth.

Forever stomping around like a baby dinosaur,
Stephanie

Ask Stephanie- What’s in your fridge?

Posted on May 27, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Steph,

What’s in your fridge? You post lots of IG food pics, so I assume its good stuff. Share?

-AB

Dear stalker,

Usually my refrigerator is a swirling vortex of entropy, but today it’s actually clean so I’ll share. I’m also including my cupboards and counter… Don’t say I never did anything for you.

There’s my fridger door! All I really need is the yogurt and root beer. The rest is for company.

Look how organized I am! If only I could get my life in order like that…

Freezer… I can even go into how much I love mini corn dogs. Splooge.

I have these weird “cupboards” that I get into a slap fight with every time I go to get something out. I legit tied them back with a thong to keep them open so I could take a pic. Classy.

I compulsively invest in couscous.

I have a ~~mild~~ sever addiction to mason jars.

And my little counter.

Well, there ya have it! What I eat. Clearly my generic is showing, so I’m going to bake a ~~few~~ 12 mini corn dogs and watch Beauty and the Beast for the ten millionth time.

Love you, mean it.
Steph

Ask Stephanie- Recreational drugs

Posted on May 26, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Stephanie,

Recreational drugs? Cool or not cool?

Love,

Dear Lindsey Lohan,

First of all, drugs are never cool. Although, checking out of rehab with a false sense of self and a new taste for American Spirits seems to be all the rage right now.

Drugs make you puffy, annoying, dehydrated, smelly and apt to have a three way with Charlie Sheen. Ew.

If you’re simply trying to be “cool”, consider going the opposite direction and start a raw diet. Instagram every single meal and be all preachy like, “I can’t believe I used to pollute my body.”, “I don’t even miss mashed potatoes”, “Nourishing my temple” And other bullshit like that. Once you become the new cool, people will follow and you’ll be all the rage. Trust.

Hugs not drugs,
Steph

Ask Stephanie- Lesbian lover addition

Posted on May 25, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Stephanie,

If you were a lesbian, who would your lesbian lover be?

xo,
Bobbie

Dear Bobbie,

I assume this is a clever rouse to get me into bed, and I must say I am both delighted and surprised. Apparently my not so subtle hints have been well received! But, in the off chance you were kidding, here is my list of girl crushes:

Princess Leia- ‘Natch

The pink power ranger- You can tell me her name is Kimberly, but I see a hint of a penis.

Vanna White- I mean, look at her.

Cheetara- I’m a boob girl.

Lady Liberty- Let’s put a little more Mexico in America.

Marla Singer- All aboard the hot mess express!

Wonder Woman- Maybe her invisible lasso can double as a finger condom?

Charmaine Olivia or any of her paintings-

Pinkie Pie- Because who doesn’t want to be the little spoon in a cuddle puddle with Pinkie Pie?

Paula Deen- She would make me chocolate chip lard waffles post coitus.

Mae West- Hopefully some of her sexiness would rub off on me during a scissor moment.

The corps bride- Home girl is pent the fuck up.

Rupaul- Counts as a halfsie

But to really answer your question, I would have to say Helena Bohnam Carter. She made the list twice and I just noticed it.

Lesbehonest,
Steph-ilikeamuffin-anie

Have your own Ask Stephanie question? Email me at stephaniescairns@gmail.com, tweet me @biggirlcup or comment below! (I’m still too stupid to figure out how to create a drop down menu with an Ask Stephanie section…)

Ask Stephanie- How to bag a boyfriend

Posted on May 24, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Steph,

Do you have any relationship advice? I’m having a hard time landing a man.

Sincerely,

Iwantaboyfriend

Dear Taylor Swift,

Date a robot. My boyfriend told me to stop vacuuming and go take a bubble bath the other day… Seriously. If that doesn’t scream robot then I don’t know what does. If you are unable to get your grubby little hands on your own personal droid, give the following a whirl:

Steph’s tips to bagging a boyfriend:

1. Stop being desperate- It reeks and it’s not flattering on you. Go out, be your awesome self and meet some new people! Or do what I did and skulk on the internet, find someone truly unattainable and wait for them to notice you. Worked for me!

2. Be yourself- Unless you’re one of those girls (guys.. haven’t decided what your gender is) who wears Hello kitty hair bows, drinks way too much or “like, totally loves football or whatever” then you need to change who you are immediately.

3. Learn to cook- Seriously, it’s probably the biggest tip to my success. Oh, your last girlfriend/boyfriend could barely make mac’n’cheese form the box? That’s too bad. Sit here on the recliner while I put the finishing touches on your pot roast and whip up some fresh whipped cream for your strawberry shortcake. P.S. Cooking nekkid. Just sayin.

4. Have your own hobbies- Yes it is important to take interest in what your future boyfriend likes, but your individuality will get him. Embarrassed that you love stupid teen dramas, brussel sprouts, musicals and pictures of lul cats? Guess what? HE DOES TOO. Put it out there! Let your freak flag fly.

I really hope these help you bag a winner! Seriously, keep me posted.

Trophy Girlfriend,
Steph

Ask Stephanie- Desert island addition

Posted on May 18, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Dear Stephanie,

If you were trapped on a desert island, and could only bring three everyday items, what would they be?

-babybobbie

Dear Bobbie,

You know when you go to a party and there’s always that one tool who’s like, “If I were stuck on a desert island I’d bring an unlimited supply of fresh water, a satellite phone and a fishing polel”? Well no fucking shit, Sherlock! Who the hell wouldn’t?! Also, I doubt you’d even know how to catch a fish and you’d probably drain the phone battery, calling your dermatologist to tell her all about your recently developed sand rash. You’re a boner and that’s the reason you were never invited to another party of mine.

Three everyday things I’d bring on a deserted island:

1. Queens Greatest Hits-
Because my dehydrated, heat stroked rendition of Fat Bottom Girls is killer. It would scare away all the dangerous wildlife, and fish would just leap out of the water into my arms just to be near me.

2. Burt’s Bees peppermint lip balm-
I have a ~~mild~~ severe nervous breakdown when I lose my tube at the bottom of my purse, and can’t apply it for the 763rd time that day.

3. A volleyball-
Why? Because if ‘Castaway’ taught me anything, it’s that you need a deeply disturbed, emotional attachment to anthromorphic athletic equipment, or your screwed.

Love,
Steph

Have an Ask Steph question? Email me at Stephaniescairns@gmail.com, tweet me @biggirlcup or leave a comment below!

Ask Stephanie

Posted on May 18, 2013 by whiskeyintheam

Hello angel faces,

I get some pretty off the wall emails from readers, so I thought I would compile them and have a little Q&A blog post. There might be a video post.. Maybe not. I don’t know if the world is ready for my chipmunk voice or overuse of the word ‘probably’.

Please submit your questions and/or general inquires to any of the social media options below!

Email- stephaniescairns@gmail.com
Twitter- @biggirlcup
Instagram- @blessyourhearttramp
Or hashtag #askwhiskeyintheam

Let’s get weird,
Steph

Like french kissing a unicorn

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