A special reminder for all of those late to the party, Ryan Gosling is having a baby… and it’s not with you. It’s not like his Grade A loins are off the meat market, but your chances of scrogging him have most certainly dwindled.
If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of a million vagina’s crying. Mine probably won’t leave the house for days.
Today is Saturday, so that obviously means running a train on Season 3 & 4 of Sons of Anarchy, and being far too hostile to have any sort of human contact. I’ve deduced that violent biker TV and low blood sugar does not pair well, so I wanted to share my favorite comfort/ let’s not cut a bitch today recipe.
Macaroni ‘N’ Cheese
Serves 4: or 1 emotionally stable young lady
1 lb macaroni noodles.
6 tbs white, unbleached flour
1 ½ tsp paprika
½ tsp onion powder
½ tsp garlic powder
2 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp white vinegar
¼ cup butter made from the tears of Dutch virgin milkmaids
4 cups milk
2 cups grated sharp cheddar cheese
8 ounces cottage cheese
8 oz sour cream
8 oz cubed cream cheese
16 oz cubed Velveeta (Supper happy I bought that emergency brick of Velveeta. Like, super.)
Preheat your oven to 350F.
- Cook your macaroni according to the packages directions (Or not, do whatever you want. I don’t give a shit.) and drain.
- In a medium saucepan, over medium-low heat, melt your butter.
- Add the flour and give it a little stir.
- Add your milk, and stir occasionally to keep from scorching.
- When thickened, add your salt, paprika garlic powder, onion powder, pepper and vinegar.
- Throw your Velveeta in there. Mix that shit up.
- Toss in the sour cream. Mix, mix.
- Add the cottage cheese and the cream cheese. Mix until everything is nice, creamy and thick. *giggidy*
- Grab a casserole dish, and spray the absolute shit out of it with nonstick spray.
- Fling the macaroni noodles in the dish.
- Pour your saucy mix over the noodles and toss it all around. Get that sauce in the little macaroni holes.
- Sprinkle the shredded cheddar over the super-delish noodles.
- Throw that masterpiece in the oven for 30-45 minutes.
- Lick all the cheesy stirring spoons.
We have some down time, so this is the point in the recipe where I like to stupidly reactivate my Facebook account, internet stalk the absolute shit out of my ex-boyfriend and ugly cry while mouthing “I will always love you” to his new profile picture; which, coincidentally, includes his new girlfr– wait… Is that an engagement ring? Affirmative, that is a big sparky mountain. Can I zoom? How do I zoom? Ohmyfuckinggod. Did I just “like” the photo? Oh, for fucks sake. Really? REALLY??!!! How do I unlike it?! Just click it again? Sweet Jesus’ tits, did I unlike it just to re-like it a second time??!? Ohgodohgodohfuckmeohgod. Dear Lord in heaven, if you could like time warp my life, and make it so that doesn’t happen, I will totally adopt a starving African baby, or stop boozing on weekdays, or stop watching interracial porn. Swear.
It’s probably best just to roll around the floor in a blanket burrito, writhing in self-pity and stupidity. The Mac ‘n’ cheese only has about 30 minutes left anyway. Be strong.
It’s safe to say that I am a wee bit emotional. When I feel the world is crashing down, I delete any and all form of contact; Facebook, Instagram, my phone number, burn off my fingerprints, whatever. I’m working on it. So, cheers to my fourth attempt to be a normal, sane person who keeps her website live and connects with her internet friends on the reg.
P.S. Still working on the cookbook. I have had a few emails about that one, and I promise I am working on it. It’s not really something you can copy paste, and throw into Word. Unless you would like a Comic Sans, 40 page instruction manual on how to not fuck up brownies…