My heart just took a dump

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A special reminder for all of those late to the party, Ryan Gosling is having a baby… and it’s not with you. It’s not like his Grade A loins are off the meat market, but your chances of scrogging him have most certainly dwindled.

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of a million vagina’s crying. Mine probably won’t leave the house for days.

-Steph

 

Good Luck Taking a Shit This Week- Macaroni ‘N’ Cheese

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Today is Saturday, so that obviously means running a train on Season 3 & 4 of Sons of Anarchy, and being far too hostile to have any sort of human contact. I’ve deduced that violent biker TV and low blood sugar does not pair well, so I wanted to share my favorite comfort/ let’s not cut a bitch today recipe.

 

Macaroni ‘N’ Cheese

Serves 4: or 1 emotionally stable young lady

 

Ingredients:

1 lb macaroni noodles.

6 tbs white, unbleached flour

1 ½ tsp paprika

½ tsp onion powder

½ tsp garlic powder

2 tsp salt

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp white vinegar

¼ cup butter made from the tears of Dutch virgin milkmaids

4 cups milk

2 cups grated sharp cheddar cheese

8 ounces cottage cheese

8 oz sour cream

8 oz cubed cream cheese

16 oz cubed Velveeta (Supper happy I bought that emergency brick of Velveeta. Like, super.)

 

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 350F.

  1. Cook your macaroni according to the packages directions (Or not, do whatever you want. I don’t give a shit.) and drain.
  2. In a medium saucepan, over medium-low heat, melt your butter.
  3. Add the flour and give it a little stir.
  4. Add your milk, and stir occasionally to keep from scorching.
  5. When thickened, add your salt, paprika garlic powder, onion powder, pepper and vinegar.
  6. Throw your Velveeta in there. Mix that shit up.
  7. Toss in the sour cream. Mix, mix.
  8. Add the cottage cheese and the cream cheese. Mix until everything is nice, creamy and thick. *giggidy*
  9. Grab a casserole dish, and spray the absolute shit out of it with nonstick spray.
  10. Fling the macaroni noodles in the dish.
  11. Pour your saucy mix over the noodles and toss it all around. Get that sauce in the little macaroni holes.
  12. Sprinkle the shredded cheddar over the super-delish noodles.
  13. Throw that masterpiece in the oven for 30-45 minutes.
  14. Lick all the cheesy stirring spoons.

We have some down time, so this is the point in the recipe where I like to stupidly reactivate my Facebook account, internet stalk the absolute shit out of my ex-boyfriend and ugly cry while mouthing “I will always love you” to his new profile picture; which, coincidentally, includes his new girlfr– wait… Is that an engagement ring? Affirmative, that is a big sparky mountain. Can I zoom? How do I zoom? Ohmyfuckinggod. Did I just “like” the photo? Oh, for fucks sake. Really? REALLY??!!! How do I unlike it?! Just click it again? Sweet Jesus’ tits, did I unlike it just to re-like it a second time??!? Ohgodohgodohfuckmeohgod. Dear Lord in heaven, if you could like time warp my life, and make it so that doesn’t happen, I will totally adopt a starving African baby, or stop boozing on weekdays, or stop watching interracial porn. Swear.

It’s probably best just to roll around the floor in a blanket burrito, writhing in self-pity and stupidity. The Mac ‘n’ cheese only has about 30 minutes left anyway. Be strong.

-Steph

Whomp Whomp

Hi kids!

It’s safe to say that I am a wee bit emotional. When I feel the world is crashing down, I delete any and all form of contact; Facebook, Instagram, my phone number, burn off my fingerprints, whatever. I’m working on it. So, cheers to my fourth attempt to be a normal, sane person who keeps her website live and connects with her internet friends on the reg.

#redbeansandricedidntmissher

#redbeansandricedidntmissher

P.S. Still working on the cookbook. I have had a few emails about that one, and I promise I am working on it. It’s not really something you can copy paste, and throw into Word. Unless you would like a Comic Sans, 40 page instruction manual on how to not fuck up brownies…

XO,

Steph