My friend Shaniqua informed me of the following this evening, and now I feel compelled to clear up a few things for the many parents who have “accidentally” stumbled upon this blog.
She obviously took some ethnic liberties with her code name…
An open letter
Dear moms, dads, aunts, probation officers and, apparently now, grandparents:
I would just like to point out a few things:
1) Sorry I vomited all over your daffodils. Twice.
2) I’m sorry for the bite marks on your sons shoulder, and that awkward Texas shaped hickey on his neck. However, those below the bellybutton ones weren’t me…. Obviously.
3) Your daughter absolutely did not blackout doing tequila shots with me. That was another Stephanie.
4) I have no idea what the carved out apple was doing behind your couch. Couch worms maybe?
5) Nice dildo in your panty drawer btw #meow.
6) That random charge on your Visa? Yeah, stripper-grams.
7) I deeply regret my part in the whole “How Did Nana’s Ashes Accidently Fall off the Mantel Piece” debacle of 2008.
8) Sorry I kissed Uncle Harold last Christmas… on the dick.
9) That time all the shrubs behind your garage burned down? Yeah well, turns out your daughter can’t handle her high very well. Thanks for the 4 months school suspension though.
10) I bailed your wife out of jail.
11) Remember that one time we were at the bar and that gentleman was trying to
seduce terrify me, and I gave him you home number, and he called over and over until your husband was absolutely convinced you were having an affair? Yeah, sorry about that.
12) Your “little princess” hides moonshine in a carebear on her dresser.
13) I’m the one who started that nickname “Hairy Carey” in fifth grade, and it’s still fucking hilarious. Sorry Carey didn’t think so, and is now married to a sixty year old and lives in butt-fucking nowhere Nebraska. In other news, its super cute she found a husband and father figure rolled into one.
14) I apologize that I can never manage to sit through a family dinner when you yammer on about your Atkins diet, while shoveling 4 cheeseburgers in our face. Lets talk less about carbs, and more about the inconsistencies in your hairline.
15) I’m listed as your nephews emergency contact, and frequently pretend to his mother.
16) I was the one who snuck a bottle of strawberry Boone’s into the fruit salad that one year. Truly had no idea it was an afternoon snack for your 4th graders classroom. so sorry. Explosive diarrhea is typically a lot funnier…
Cant wait to see you at Thanksgiving! Tell your husband hello ;)